I’m taking a break from playing Harry Potter LEGO because I have a headache from it. I’ve had a lot on my mind lately. I know, hey, so out of character for me. I’m listening to Tim Roger’s Luxury of Hysteria while having all these thoughts swirling through my head. I’m just having a quiet chilled evening alone and feeling moderately hypergraphic. Yes again. I’ve been hyperactive since the late afternoon. Right now I’m focusing my mind to do something productive.
***
I’ve been getting the impression a lot of people think I complain about my autism and ADHD but really I just dwell on both the positive and the negative. It helps me better understand myself and I know so much about these disorders I can help others work out if they have these disorders too. I’m an advocate so I can’t just stop talking about it. Think what you will about me but I have helped so many people with autism, ADHD, people unsure if they have the disorders and NT’s wanting to gain more understanding.
***
I love the autism and ADHD community. They are my second and third family. I can tell these people anything. Things I’d never tell my friends or family because it’s just so much easier to share it with people who have what disorder you have because you can relate to each other better. I mean there are some things that we don’t have in common, which is great because I really hate being too similar to a person. It’s a little difficult to explain. I want people to understand what I’m going through yet I want to be a bit different even from those with autism and ADHD.
***
I love the autism and ADHD community because we can have such deep and meaningful discussions about anything really. Usually it’s about how we perceive the world differently, from close attention to detail to thinking in pictures, to not being able to read conventional body language to being able to read another type of body language – the body language that shows dishonesty. It’s a bit hard to explain and I’ll need to elaborate on it later.
***
I have sat next to NT’s a lot and listened to what they were talking about and it’s just drivel compared to the soul searching questions people with autism and ADHD talk about. The old age stereotypical view of autism and ADHD was about one having very low IQ and no thoughts of their own and the other was so hyperactive and naughty to sit down and do any studying. It could not be further from the truth.
***
The autism forum I’ve spend most of the last three years on has helped me in such a dramatic way. Not only do we relate and have a haven to talk about all the issues that society doesn’t want us to talk about but when I’ve felt really low, like on the verge of suicide they’ve picked me up again. There’s a section of the forum devoted to helping those that are down and it’s just a good place to vent. But lately it’s been a lifesaver to me. People on the forum really know how to get someone out of depressive rut. Maybe cause they relate so well to everyone’s problems.
***
Both the autism and ADHD forum are great places to ask and give advice. I started writing to-do lists because of what I read on the forums. All the ways I deal with sensory processing issues I got from the forum. I’ve even given out advice to help people deal with their symptoms. I’m not majorly impaired by my ADHD anymore so I try to give pointers where I can. I’m also not medicated anymore but I still find some ADHD symptoms frustrating.
***
Although my autistic symptoms are a lot more impairing than those with Asperger’s syndrome and even high functioning autism at times, I still have a less rigid view of the world (even though at times this fails) and I constantly remind people to try to see a situation from another angle.
***
Change is my kryptonite and having a forum to discuss this fear with people who might not be as impaired, can relate somewhat and might help offer a solution to my problem, makes me forever grateful. Also, even though I have such an aversion to change everyday life is full of so much change that NT’s barely notice which cause me what I call tremors of distress. I still deal with it despite it being an uncomfortable experience. The more frustrating change is when I can’t find an object and I begin to panic, or something suddenly changes; someone suddenly comes over or plans don’t go to plan. I had a meltdown when it rained because I wanted to have my Macbeth shoes clean by Thursday. It was Monday. But really meltdowns suddenly happen even if the reason was days or weeks ago. Over time all my frustration builds up and I explode when it suddenly rains and my favourite red shoes remain soaking wet. I can even have meltdowns over the state of dirty dishes in the sink. My biggest ones are when I get lost. I will literally have a panic attack.
***
I try to explain my issues to NT’s but they don’t get it. They think I’m overreacting but in my autism and ADHD communities they completely relate or at least know that it’s a part of those disorders. There are some issues I barely tell NT’s about like my tactile sensitivity. My clothes will constantly make me feel itchy. I only really tell NT’s the about the more serious issues so when they cut me down it’s more than upsetting. I will not mention my greatest issue here but those that know me know what’s going on. Here’s a clue: TLE.
***
On the autistic forum I get to talk to autistic people that many think are incapable of communicating, just because they may not speak or have such severe autism that you think there’s nothing going in their mind. The truth is many autistics like that do have thoughts of their own and hear what people say about them. And some of them are even smarter than me. But it’s good because I learn a lot from them.
***
There are even a few people on these forums that I can talk to music about. The resident Kinks fan on Wrong Planet or talking about early punk rock and early emo with a few randoms, not exactly regular, posters. When I join forums I soon become a regular poster. Not just that but I don’t hold back my opinions, though I try to say them in a very open minded way.
***
OK, I must say some NT’s that know how to talk to me can have some pretty interesting conversations with me. It seems to be in short bursts though but I’ll take what I can get. I’m grateful when people try to talk to me about my interests because that’s all I can really talk about and I’m glad they are showing this much understanding of my issues.
***
I don’t mind socialising with NT’s in short bursts but I need to have a break after a few hours because it can be exhausting. On the forum’s I only need a long break if I get into a heated argument but lately I just avoid those situations. Sometimes people get on my nerves. Yes, even autistics.
***
I even like talking to people through private messages and I feel like I’ve made some long lasting friends. Sure, I may never meet them but it’s not about that. It’s about relating to one another’s issues and sharing things you can’t share with anyone offline because people just don’t talk about that stuff (also the physical act of getting words out of my mouth fails more times than I want to admit to).
***
If there’s one thing I love about autism and ADHD it’s the fact that I can think about a multitude of things from different angles and picture them in vivid detail. And somehow make them all connect to each other. I’ll draw you a diagram of this process one day. And I’ll most likely start and participate in 10 threads about it this year.
***
OK, I really can’t think because I’m getting lost in Tim Roger’s music. Damn it. Damn this focused attention on one thing at a time. And damn this…er intense world syndrome when it comes to music and lyrics. OK, I’m turning off my thoughts and just going to enjoy the music.
***
Actually this overfocused attention on one thing gives me strengths too but I’ll leave that for another really long blog post.
